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Entries in Dramas-Skits (77)
The Blind Spot Skit
Tuesday, March 31, 2009 at 11:47AM The Blind Spot
The Blind Spot
(husband and wife come walking up aisle, wife is a bit more excited than husband, but he is obviously GETTING AT SOMETHING, hopeful and a little disbelieving — wife is wearing bathrobe and a towel on hair)
HUSBAND:
Well this is definitely one of the most exciting things that have ever happened to you…
WIFE:
(so excited is a little sarcastic) ONE OF THE MOST exciting things?! You have GOT to be kidding! This is the chance of a lifetime! This miniseries on ABC is MY baby! I get to call all the shots!
HUSBAND:
(laughingly, a little hopefully) Well, our wedding was pretty exciting!
WIFE:
Don’t be ridiculous! They are two COMPLETELY DIFFERENT things. This is the dream of a lifetime, what I’ve been working for all my life! And it just drops into my lap like this! I mean, our wedding was beautiful, of course…
HUSBAND:
Of course…
WIFE:
(begins to apply make-up) I can’t believe it! Do you know that I get to call ALL the shots? I get to place everyone, from bestboys and gaffers to director and all the stars!
HUSBAND:
(skulking behind his wife, growing more and more upset) It’s . . . great. You’re really lucky. I’m . . . really . . . happy for you…
WIFE:
(so caught up in her own thing that she completely misses the growing animosity) I get to place the most famous people in the world! This is really a great chance God has given me — I mean, US. To tell the story of Peter and Paul for national television!
HUSBAND:
So who are you getting for Director?
WIFE:
Um, I can’t quite remember his name. But he’s that guy who directed that movie you love so much. Um. What movie was that? You know the one about the piano player that giggles like a little kid?
HUSBAND:
(amazed) Are you talking about AMADEUS?
WIFE:
THAT’s it!
HUSBAND:
YOU GOT MILOS FOREMAN TO DIRECT YOUR TV MOVIE?
WIFE:
Isn’t that great? Apparently he’s friends with the Smiths, owes them a favor. But we’re still paying a pretty penny for him…
HUSBAND:
I can’t believe you got Milos Foreman for your movie…
WIFE:
I’ll see if I can arrange for you to meet him…
HUSBAND:
(a little nastily) Well THANK YOU…
WIFE:
(missing all the sarcasm and the loaded feelings) You’re welcome! Isn’t this exciting? This is our big break?
HUSBAND:
Yeah. (mumbling to self) OUR big break. (loud to wife) What about your lead actor? The one who’s playing Peter?
WIFE:
Oh! Only the most HANDSOME man in all the world! That is, (glancing at her husband) IF he says "yes" to me…
HUSBAND:
(a little embarrassed, but tickled too) Oh. Really? And have you, asked him yet?
WIFE:
Well, I was just about to ask him, but I’m worried he’ll think this production is a little too silly for his great talent…
HUSBAND:
OH JUST GO AHEAD AND ASK HIM! OF COURSE HE’S GOING TO SAY YES!
WIFE:
You really think we have a chance of getting Tom Selleck?
HUSBAND:
TOM . . . SELLECK! (gets up and starts pacing, nervously putting hands through hair, cracking knuckles, pacing like a caged animal)
WIFE:
If he says yes, maybe I can get his autograph for you!
HUSBAND:
(really upset) Great. Just great. Thanks so much!
WIFE:
You’re welcome! It’s nothing, really.
HUSBAND:
(mumbled) I agree, I agree. (loudly to wife) Okay, let me ask you — what about the screenplay? Who did you get for the script — which, you know, is the most important part… (mumbled) My specialty.
WIFE:
You . . . are . . . going . . . to . . . be — SO — EXCITED.
HUSBAND:
(a rush of excitement) Really? (begins to smile)
WIFE:
I think this is really going to be your big chance?
HUSBAND:
(shining with smiles) It is? Really? Finally?
WIFE:
Yeah. I think your big break is here!
HUSBAND:
It is? Cuz you've been killing me, really killing me!
WIFE:
You are just going to love me!
HUSBAND:
(ready to explode with joy) I am! I am!
WIFE:
(slyly, loving the whole game) What, don’t you love me now?
HUSBAND:
(practically jumping) I do! I DO!
WIFE:
I got William Goldman to write the script!
HUSBAND:
(incredulous, upset) WILLIAM GOLDMAN!
WIFE:
I knew you’d be excited! I’ll get his autograph for you!
HUSBAND:
(about ready to blow) THANK YOU! NO REALLY, THANK YOU!
WIFE:
And if you’re good, maybe I can arrange for you to MEET him…
HUSBAND:
(speechless, pacing, faster, faster) But… But…
WIFE:
What, honey?
HUSBAND:
William Goldman, what does he have to do with the Bible? Sure, he’s a great writer, but what am I?
WIFE:
(concentrating on make-up, completely oblivious to the madness she's creating a few feet away from her in her own husband) Oh, you’re a pretty good writer…
HUSBAND:
I mean, your own husband is a writer, and you completely overlook me for the script! (strangling the air, seething, stomping, close to blowing a gasket, suffering a nervous breakdown)
WIFE:
Ah, but William Goldman has won two Academy Awards! OSCARS! I thought about giving you the chance to write it . . . but see, the unique angle we’re taking on this story, we need the very best scriptwriter in Hollywood. This is the most hush-hush project in Hollywood right now. Everyone on the set has to sign a disclaimer that they won’t speak to anyone!
HUSBAND:
(going very still) Why, what’s the big secret?
WIFE:
(just about finished getting ready) I guess I can tell my husband. See, with the new movement in Hollywood, we think we can draw the most viewers to this network movie if it’s controversial. So we’re playing the angle that the Apostle Paul and Peter were gay…
HUSBAND:
WHAT! What are you doing! You can’t be serious! You can’t do that to the Bible! There's absolutely no suggestion of that, no hint, it's just completely made-up, fabricated, a Biblical "Will and Grace..."
WIFE:
Exactly! Isn't that creative? I knew you'd love it. Because we have to be politically correct you know! But that’s why it’s such a big secret. If NBC or CBS or even FOX got word of it, they’d all try to beat us to the punch. (she removes her bathrobe and walks backward to husband) Here, zip me up!
HUSBAND:
(behind her, mimes choking her) I’d LOVE to zip you up… (zips her up)
WIFE:
Well, I’m off to the studio!
HUSBAND:
Just give me a second to put some things together. I guess I can read a book on the set, or something . . . (sarcastically) maybe start collecting autographs…
WIFE:
Oh, I’m sorry honey. Silly! No outsiders are allowed on the set! (she gives him a peck on the cheek, turns to rush from room) Don’t forget to do the laundry! And vacuum too, okay?
HUSBAND:
Yeah, I’ll just stay home and do the laundry. And vacuum, too. While you go off to the studios and play with Milos Foreman and William Goldman — and Tom Selleck… I can’t believe this! I can’t believe she got sucked into all this Hollywood stuff . . . and so easily. And now she’s corrupting the Bible! AND IGNORING ME! How DARE she do this to me! She doesn’t even care… (he picks up the cordless phone) Hi. I need to talk to an NBC exec…
(exits, seething)
None of Your Business Skit
Tuesday, March 31, 2009 at 11:46AM
None of Your Business
(SPECTATOR#1 seated in chair facing audience, eating popcorn from a theater bag, laughing, slapping leg, watching something hilarious -- this should go on for about 60 seconds or a little more, with her being intent, listening, leaning forward, then bursting into idiotic laughter, slapping her knees, then back to listening intently, gobbling popcorn -- she needs to give the impression that she's at the theater watching a great funny movie, and can't help herself from laughing even though she is heroically attempting to stifle her giggles)
SPECTATOR #1:
Oh this is the best one yet! Oh, I need this, I need this!
SPECTATOR #2:
(arriving, starting off in whisper, helps himself to popcorn) Hey! Have I missed anything?
SPECTATOR #1:
Oh it’s great!
SPECTATOR #2:
But what about my money? Huh? Have I won yet?
SPECTATOR #1:
(a little miffed) Oh just sit down and enjoy the show. Do you have to wreck everything?
SPECTATOR #2:
Come on! Come on! Just tell me what I’ve missed!
SPECTATOR #1:
Oh all right, already! He’s quoted from the Rocky Mountain News two times, from the Denver Post at least three times, and from Time and Newsweek…
SPECTATOR #2:
Hah! You owe me, baby, now cough up the BUCKS!
SPECTATOR #1:
Oh alright, I don’t suppose he’s going to pull a quote out of the Bible with five minutes to go in the sermon. Here! (throws money at SPECTATOR #2)
SPECTATOR #2:
(munching popcorn) Ooh-HOOO! I love church. I could get rich in this joint! So anything else exciting? Has Elder Crumpkins fallen asleep yet?
SPECTATOR #1:
Oh yeah. He even started snoring. But that’s the repeat. Look at what’s MORE interesting… (pointing)
SPECTATOR #2:
What? I can’t see what you’re talking about.
SPECTATOR #1:
Over THERE! Bob Slobkins.
SPECTATOR #2:
Man! I see what ya mean! That’s SOME RUG. He must of traded in the Cadillac for that roadkill.
SPECTATOR #1:
(looking to a new location) OH NOW THAT IS REALLY DISGUSTING!
SPECTATOR #2:
What? What now? What are you looking at?
SPECTATOR #1:
Look at HER! That disgusting Louisa AGAIN. Look how SHORT that skirt is!
SPECTATOR #2:
(eyes bugging out) Whoa. (pause, staring) Whew. (pause, staring) Wow. (pause) WOW.
SPECTATOR #1:
(snarling at SPECTATOR #2, smacks him on the forehead) Put your eyes back in your head!
SPECTATOR #2:
WHAT! Hey! No -- no! I was just, you know -- hey, I was looking at her JUDGMENTALLY! Yeah! I mean, I was just thinking about how HOT hell is going to be for someone like her…
SPECTATOR #1:
Yeah, I BET that’s what you were thinking!
SPECTATOR #2:
(sees opportunity to divert her attention) OH LOOK AT THAT. Mrs. Mulligan.
SPECTATOR #1:
Yeah, so what about her?
SPECTATOR #2:
Hey, if she’s in HERE, in the Sanctuary, who do you think is watching the potluck goodies downstairs…?
SPECTATOR #1:
(lightbulb popping off in head) Oh, hey…
SPECTATOR #2:
So . . . you like, HUNGRY?
SPECTATOR #1:
Don’t ya just LOVE church?
SPECTATOR #2:
Hey, I look forward to this fun ALL week long…!
(they get up and begin to tiptoe out, giggling)
All in the Family
Tuesday, March 31, 2009 at 11:44AM
All in the Family
(MIME: a little girl with pigtails and a picnic basket in her hands coming skipping along the path, all done in mime -- actor takes cues from Narrator; everything she sees and interacts with is imaginary; to be read with glowing wonder, like a story read at bedtime to a toddler)
NARRATOR:
Once up a time a little girl who loved a lot went out into the world to see all the people she loved, and to invite everyone to be her brothers and sisters. She wanted everyone to love her. She loved everybody, and if she got half a chance, she'd just hug ANYBODY -- she liked to give great big BEAR HUGS!
(little girl stops, facing audience and lifting her face to heaven, she wraps her arms about herself and gives herself a BEAR HUG, smiling brightly, swinging her body back and forth)
She was a special little girl. She saw the good in everything. Whether it was a beautiful flower made from the Hand of God . . . Ah! What a beautiful aroma! Such a perfect and melodious scent!
(little girl lifts a beautiful flower to her nose and sniffs -- ah! what a beautiful aroma! She nearly faints with pleasure)
...or a fragile and tiny sparrow . . . sweet little thing! To think that God watches these little creatures and watches over them!
(little girl lifts her finger and whistles for a bird which lands and perches upon her finger -- she strokes its tiny feathers and murmurs softly and lovingly to the little creature)
She loved nature -- she loved everyone -- and everything. The little girl was, in fact, the incarnation of LOVE.
She skipped through the entire world, loving everyone, and inviting them to love her. Be my Friends, she said! Be my Brother! Be my Sister!
(little girl skips through world, whistling and smiling and swinging her picnic basket)
A few of the people she met were delighted to meet her! "Howdy Doo!" they cried, returning her humungous hugs. They matched her shining smile with bright shining smiles of their own! She was so happy she gave them gifts from her basket.
(little girl meets and hugs several people, spinning them about, SMILING at them, shining love, love, LOVE -- she gives them gifts from her basket)
"Can I play with your dolly?" the Little Girl would ask them, because she loved to share.
(shyly, she asks to play with their toy -- and is delighted when they do! she accepts the toy and hugs it to her chest, laughing and playing -- she dances about the room with the doll)
Oh how happy it made the Little Girl when people were kind enough to share! Because the Little Girl knew that it was better to GIVE things, than to RECEIVE them -- she wanted her new friends to be just as happy as they could ever, ever, ever, EVER be! She wanted them to play nicely with each other, and to take care of each other, and really, to be in one big happy family!
(little girl talks to a succession of people, smiling at them, hugging them, giving them gifts from her basket)
Sure we will be your friend, they said, all smiling and happy, and soon enough, as they grew to know her, they realized they were more than her friend -- they LOVED her, just like she loved them! Wowee, did it feel wonderful to share in such love. Sharing was a very, very, VERY good thing, the people learned, and the more they shared, the more they loved, and the more they loved the better they all got along! What a smart, smart, SMART little girl she proved to be!
(little girl smiles and knowingly taps her head)
Then there were other people in the world. On her journey, skipping through the world, the little girl met people who were not quite so happy to meet her. They greeted her -- some of them did, it's true -- but for the most part, they just really couldn't care about the little girl, or if she was happy, or if they learned any lessons about sharing that the little girl might teach. Most of these people wouldn't even give the little girl a hug.
(little girl meets new people, but these won't hug her, even though she tries)
"Can I play with your dolly?" the little girl asked shyly. Please, she though, please oh please share with me. Please oh please give me a chance to love, and be loved by you!
(the little girl shyly asks to play with their dollies -- but the people shake their heads NO and walk away -- the little girl sadly watches them go)
NO, the people said. This is OUR dolly. You must go and get your own dolly. And they walked away from her, making her so very sad. Or they told her to STOP PLAYING WITH DOLLIES! To GROW UP! To GET A JOB, or GET WITH THE PROGRAM, or GET A LIFE! Wake up to the REAL WORLD, little girl, they scolded her. For the most part, they weren't really bad people, no not at all. But they just seemed to not really care what the little girl thought or felt, or that she had love to give them -- many of the people were just too, too busy, they just did not have the time for little girls and dolls and hugging -- and they CERTAINLY did not have any use for the trinkets from the little girl's basket
(the little girl attempts to woo person after person, reaching her little hands for dolly after dolly, offering gift after gift from her basket -- to only watch person after person walk away from her, she sadly watches them go with her sad, sad eyes)
BUT THERE WERE OTHER PEOPLE IN THE WORLD AS WELL.
(little girl stops, she startles as if terrified or terribly frightened -- she slowly turns her head and slowly lifts her arms to hug)
They did not like the little girl. They did not want her basket or anything in it. They snarled at her when she tried to hug them. They snarled at her when she asked to play with their dollies.
(little girl's terror builds and she slowly begins to back away from the unruly mob of people)
The people pushed in toward the little girl. The closer they got to her, the angrier they got. Don't you want to play with me? she asked them. Don't you want to hug me? she said.
ONE OF THE MAD PEOPLE HIT THE LITTLE GIRL.
(she is struck in the nose, and it rocks her head back, makes her stagger away -- she is shocked, no one has ever hit her before, no one has ever been mean to her before, and now she lifts her hand to her nose, and it comes away with BLOOD!)
The little girl had never been hit before. She only knew nice people. She had hoped that all people were nice. That all people shared, and hugged, and smiled.
But one of the mad people hit the little girl. Now there was blood coming from her nose.
Then one of the mad, bad people took her basket away. Another struck her again, and again. She ran from the mad, bad mob of people. But they didn't want to let her get away. They caught her. They hit her. One of the mad-bad people grabbed one of her arms and twisted it. And another mad-bad person twisted her other arm.
(little girl is hit, again, and again -- her head rocks with the blows -- and then she tries to run away, but they catch her, and one of the people grabs her arm, and she lifts it up like one arm of the cross, and another person grabs her other arm, and she lifts it up like the other arm of the cross)
They were very mean, these mad-bad people. Very mean to a little girl who only wanted to hug. Only wanted to . . . share . . . to . . . love . . . and be loved.
(the little girl, in terrible pain, lowers her head, lower, lower, until it drops and lays limply against her chest and her arms sag but are still forced upright and out like a cross but now her hands hang limply, as she hangs upon the cross, dead)
She is gone now, this little girl, gone from the world. For a very long time her face has appeared on milk cartons with the slogan: HAVE YOU SEEN ME?
What about YOU? Have you seen the little girl?
Are you the kind of person who would hug the little girl, and learn from her? Would you share your dolly with her, and with the other little children you know?
What about YOU? Have you seen the little girl?
Are you the kind of person too busy for the little girl? Are there more important things in your life than silly dollies and hugs and sharing and childish things?
What about YOU? Have you seen the little girl?
Are you the kind of person who snarls at a little child, angry by their stupidity, their trusting eyes and smiling lips?
What about YOU? Have you seen the little girl? And would you know her, if she returned today, and was not just a picture on a milk carton, but was a real, live, true human being that you could hug and kiss and hold close to your heart?
Would you be a part of her family? Her mother, or father, or brother, or sister? Have you seen the little girl?
Boasting in the Lord Skit
Tuesday, March 31, 2009 at 11:19AM
Boasting in the Lord
(three people sitting at table -- on table is sign reading "Boasters & Braggarts Anonymous" -- there is also a fourth, empty chair)
MS. BUCKS:
(riffling through stacks of money) Aside from taxes, the financial world is the place to be. My investments in land and T-bills are paying off in high dividends. (holds up a fistful of dollars) And I am doing (coughs politely) quite well, thank you.
MR. BRAINS:
(surrounded by books) I’ve got two doctorates, and I won’t even mention my Masters or Bachelors or even my Associates -- I’m a Rhodes Scholar, not that it is all that important. I can assure you, NOW is the time to hit the books! (taps a book against his head knowingly)
MR. MUSCLES:
(using a collection of handgrips and arm exercise equipment) Last week I won a national arm-wrestling championship, and I’ve got better than a good shot of making it onto the Olympic powerlifting team in 2000. I’ve mastered the true secret of life. (flexes his biceps mightily)
MS. BUCKS:
My friends, if you want to please God -- I think we can all agree that "pleasing God" is important -- you need to start investing your money. When you stop to think about it, MOST of Jesus’ sayings and parables were about money. The "Widow’s Mite," the "Wages at the End of the Day," and of course, my personal favorite: "The Investment of the Talents." (waves money with emphasis) Invest your moolah wisely, and please God. Stewardship, stewardship, stewardship!
MR. BRAINS:
Do you know how absurd you sound? Well, with your education, I assume you don’t know how absurd you sound. Please God with money? Forget money. Knowledge, wisdom -- EDUCATION is the answer. EDUCATION is the key to success, the key to happiness --money cannot buy wisdom. In fact the Bible is quite clear: "Study to show thyself approved." (shakes book threateningly)
MR. MUSCLES:
You BOTH have missed the point. God doesn’t care so much about money or education. What God cares about is STRENGTH. After all, "the BODY is the temple of God." Strength is what is going to help you in practical things -- people respect a man of might. And strength is the thing to help you in spiritual things, as you need strength to defeat the enemy! I know, better than anyone, EXACTLY what the Apostle Paul was talking about when he said: "Fight the good fight."
MS. BUCKS:
Face it, money is most important, because you need lots of it to get your education AND your strength. My accountants and personal trainers told me so!
MR. BRAINS:
Education is best -- neither of you two could have achieved what you have achieved, without first obtaining your rudimentary education. Now, advance! Increase in wisdom!
MR. MUSCLES:
I could benchpress both of you -- one in each hand. If you don’t have strength, someone’s going to come along and take YOUR money -- and YOUR education isn’t going to help one bit.
MR. BRAINS:
My education includes a black belt in karate, so you better be careful with your benchpressing.
MS. BUCKS:
My bodyguards and security men are paid quite well, thank you!
MR. FAITH:
(arriving with Bible in hands) Hey everyone! Sorry I’m late. (sits down with Bible on table) I was helping out with a youth group over at the church. I’ve been real busy lately, so I haven’t had much chance to attend this group meeting.
MS. BUCKS:
(tapping watch) Time IS money, you know. But spit it out, let’s hear some bragging.
MR. BRAINS:
(demanding) What university did you attend? Post-graduate studies?
MR. MUSCLES:
(demanding) Before you answer that, what weight class are you?
MS. BUCKS:
(demanding) Hold on, hold on -- are you into long- or short-term investments?
MR. FAITH:
(looking from face to face) Oh. Well . . . let me kind of answer all of you -- or at least TRY to answer each of you, point by point.
First of all, I think money is important, but not all THAT important (shocked gasp from Ms. Bucks) -- and, to be honest, I don’t have a lot of money.
MS. BUCKS:
You don’t have a lot of money. Well, I guess it’s obvious why you don’t think it’s important!
MR. MUSCLES:
Let the man speak. He makes good sense -- and he looks to be in pretty good shape.
MR. FAITH:
As far as strength goes, I think it is important for us to be healthy. I get exercise, fresh water and fresh air, and I eat a healthy diet. But strength and health is only a small part.
MR. MUSCLES:
Ridiculous. It’s the MOST important. Without a sound body, you can’t have a sound mind! Without a strong body and strong mind, you can kiss your money good-bye -- study THAT.
MR. BRAINS:
Please! The man has wisdom, don’t quash his thoughts. Please, speak up!
MR. FAITH:
I think education is important, just like money and strength, but again, it is just a small slice of the pie. I have my high school diploma, and some college, but beyond that, worldly education is only so important, as far as eternity is concerned.
MR. BRAINS:
Oh boy, this IS the end of the world -- exactly what I’d expect an uneducated person to say!
MS. BUCKS:
Well, you’ve trashed the things that we believe important! What do YOU have to brag about?
MR. MUSCLES:
Yeah, so far I haven’t heard ANY boasting outta your corner.
MR. FAITH:
Money belongs to the Lord, I am His steward. And education, apart from God, is worthless. And all the strength in the world won’t bring you any closer to God…
MR. MUSCLES / MS. BUCKS / MR. BRAINS:
(simultaneously, in confused, heated anger) There he goes again. Strength! What’s he got to offer? Sounds like a loser to me! Wisdom! Nothing new out of his corner! Wealth! So wise, so strong, so rich! He’s wrong, pure and simple! He needs to hit the books a bit more! Show me the money, come on, show me the money!
MR. FAITH:
(waits a few moments, closing his eyes, finally raises hands for silence, but they keep up their angry babble, until finally MR. FAITH breaks in loudly) I THINK WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT, IS A RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD!
(heavy silence -- the three stare incredulously at MR. FAITH)
(after a long moment) Sorry about that. I said (more subdued, taking a deep breath, quietly), I think what is most important is a relationship with God.
I fully believe, in my heart, that studying this (lifting up Bible) reveals God to me. I get to know Him. And throughout the day, I talk to Him. I tell Him about everything. I praise Him, and I thank Him, and He gives me everything. He provides for me. He meets all my needs.
And, as simple as that, I know God. But why don’t we ask Him, because here He comes now…!
MR. MUSCLES / MS. BUCKS / MR. BRAINS:
(shocked, half raising from their chairs -- freeze halfway, eyes huge, mouths dropping open -- they finally realize IT REALLY IS GOD! AND THEY DON’T KNOW HIM! Immediately they plop into their chairs, lowering their faces in shame -- only MR. FAITH is able to look at God, and smile)
THE LORD:
(arriving, smiling, loving all the members of the "Boasters & Braggarts Anonymous" club EQUALLY) I’m so happy to meet with you, My children, today. I love all of you, and long for you to know Me, to spend time with Me, to love Me.
(pausing behind MS. BUCKS’ chair) I am the Master and Creator of the Universe, and all the wealth of the cosmos is at my fingertips. (gently) Your wealth is meaningless. Know Me.
(pausing behind MR. BRAINS’ chair) I have all wisdom, and give wisdom, in full measure. The Holy Spirit desires to live inside you, begs to teach you, and lead you into all truth. (gently) Your earthly wisdom is meaningless. Know . . . Me.
(pausing behind MR. MUSCLES’ chair) My Spirit filled Samson to overflowing, and he was stronger than a thousand fierce warriors. (gently) Your strength is meaningless. Know Me.
THE LORD (CONTINUED):
(comes to rest behind MR. FAITH’s chair) Would you like to make Me happy?
MR. BRAINS / MS. BUCKS / MR. MUSCLES:
(half-raise their heads with hope) (speaking simultaneously with sincerity) Yes Lord! Oh yes! Please! YES! Tell us how! Yes Lord!
THE LORD:
(placing hands upon MR. FAITH’s shoulders) I stand for kindness, justice and righteousness on earth. I delight in these things. If you must boast, or brag, or speak loudly, then please feel free to brag about this: that you know Me . . . that you understand Me -- that you stand for the same things that I stand for: kindness, justice, and righteousness.
MS. BUCKS / MR. BRAINS / MR. FAITH / MR. MUSCLES:
(all equally happy, equally enthused, equally inspired) Yes, Lord!
THE LORD:
NOW you have the secret! So . . . members of "Boasters & Braggarts Anonymous" -- I officially declare this meeting adjourned! (exiting) Know the sound of my voice! Come! And follow Me!
(the members of "Boasters & Braggarts Anonymous" follow the LORD)
God of the Impossible Skit
Tuesday, March 31, 2009 at 11:18AM
God of the Impossible
(man in waiting room, very nervous, flipping through magazine, constantly checking watch)
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(checking watch for millionth time) Oh come on! This is getting ridiculous, the suspense is killing me. (leafs through magazine without really seeing anything) Yeah, yeah, yeah, babies babies babies. Babies are everywhere. (checks watch, sighs) Good night, let's get this show on the road, already. (looks through magazine, checks watch) What, did that doctor slip out to play a few holes of golf? (finally takes watch off and shakes it, holds it to ear, smacks it in palm, checks it again, and finally throws it on the ground and gets ready to stomp on it)
DOC:
(entering) Hello Mr. Believer! Sorry to be a little late, but -- oh, having a little trouble with your watch?
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(embarrassed) Oh! No, hello doctor. (retrieving watch) I was just -- uh, umm, just
DOC:
(helpfully) Just giving it the ole Timex test? You know, takes a licking and keeps on ticking?
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(snapping to biz) So what about the tests? Do we know what the problem is? Is it me, or Ima's fault? Good news? Bad news?
DOC:
(looks at own watch) You should try Rolex! (looks through file, shaking head, turning back on Believer, shaking head) Hmmmm. Wow! Hmmmm. Oh boy, this is really something!
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
What? What is it? Doctor! Tell me! Is it something bad?
DOC:
(looking back, startled, remembering where he is) Huh? Oh, no, um, actually, it's my golf card! I have no idea how it got into your file! (quickly folds and stuffs the card into his pocket) Now, as to YOUR tests. Hmmm. And your wife's tests
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(exasperated) WHAT? Please, tell me? Can we have kids?
DOC:
(snaps folder closed, says in a tone of authority) Forget having children.
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
Huh?
DOC:
Ain't gonna happen!
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(mouth drops open, stares, begins to argue) But I've changed my diet. I've been taking all those vitamins. And Ima has been taking her prenatals faithfully for the last FIVE YEARS.
DOC:
All a waste of time. Considering YOUR age, and HER age, with the state of her womb and with all your bicycle riding, you're just as likely to win the lotto two times in a row as get pregnant!
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
But what about all the fertility drugs you were talking about, and the egg harvesting, and test-tube conception, and mechanical implantation? What about all those scientific bells and whistles?
DOC:
(deadpan) None of that exists, it's all nonsense. A placebo to soothe the masses.
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(disbelieving, after a pause) You've got to be . . .joking?
DOC:
Of course I'm joking. (laughs a little, slides up beside Believer and pokes him in ribs) A real stress reliever, huh? But seriously, you try everything, but it all comes down to the same thing. Adoption.
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
Adoption?
DOC:
Yes, I'll have my receptionist put a package together. It's about your only choice.
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(turning away, very upset, talking to himself) Man! Good night! None of this makes sense. (looks to heaven) What's going on, anyway?
DOC:
(helpfully) Would you like to talk about it, Mr. Believer?
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(glances at doctor, then stares out window) Oh, it's just, oh it will sound crazy. But this just isn't the way it's all supposed to happen.
DOC:
(looks puzzled, sits in chair, motions to another chair) Why don't you come sit down and tell me about it? Obviously there's something else going on here that you're not telling me about
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(rubs back of neck, reluctantly joins doctor, sits) Oh. I've just always believed that I was going to have children. (dejectedly) A lot of children. And Ima, too. We thought we were brought together to have kids together. (depressed) We've always believed. It's what our whole lives have been based on. (very sad) But we keep on getting older. And older.
DOC:
It could be you need to take up more hobbies. Take your mind off all this nonsense. Golf is particularly distracting. And soothing. The world is full of people, and there's a surplus of babies out there needing adoption. (pats Believer's knee) Adoption is the answer, my friend.
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(shrugs, sighs) Oh, I guess we might consider adoption. Ima already brought up the subject. It would be good. But . . .always . . .I've believed . . .MY children
DOC:
(glances in file) You keep saying "believe." What's THAT all about?
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(uncomfortably) Well, I've just always FELT . . .no, KNOWN, that God . . .wants this.
DOC:
(pauses, pen over file, glances between Believer and file) Um. God . . .talks . . .to you?
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(nodding) Sure. All the time. He told me not to worry, that we'd be having LOTS of kids.
DOC:
Well, you know, A LOT OF PEOPLE believe God wants something for them. It's a way of justifying our desires. "God wants me to marry this person." "God wants me to have this job." "God wants me to eat a third ice cream sundae!" (looks a little guilty, then smirks) "God wants me to loosen up and play early-morning golf today even if I am late to my appointments!" It's all nonsense. Your age proves it. God never talked to you. God doesn't "WANT" anything from you. Forget it, and think seriously about adoption. And you COULD even consider a surrogate mother?
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(uncomfortably) We've gone that route. It . . .worked okay, but it's also started a lot of . . .problems. It didn't quite work out the way we thought it would.
DOC:
Well see there! (glances in file) Yes, so you already have a kid! A son!
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
Yes, and I love him very much. But Ima and I --
DOC:
(pats Believer on shoulder) Mr. Believer, trust science, NOT beliefs. Beliefs are fine. Buy a lotto ticket! Buy TWO lotto tickets! That's all the believing you need, and who knows? It could prove a lot more profitable than all these other ridiculous beliefs!
IMA BELIEVER:
(entering, excitedly, sporting a huge pregnant belly) Faithful! Sweetheart! It's wonderful! A miracle! Faithful, sweetheart, God has answered all our prayers!
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(jumping up, eyes bugging out) Ima? What in the world?!
IMA BELIEVER:
(beaming) Oh sweetheart, finally after all these years! I feel wonderful! How do I look?
DOC:
(rises slowly, shaking head) This is a joke.
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(tentatively puts out hand to touch belly) Is this a pillow? (touches belly, then jerks hand away as if it were hot) IT'S REAL!
IMA BELIEVER:
Of COURSE it's real! What, you think I got hungry and swallowed a basketball?
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(laughs excitedly, almost insanely) So it's happened! This is real? God has blessed us?
IMA BELIEVER:
Yes Faithful! God told me: "I am the God of the Impossible! And what I have promised, I make good! And what I promise, IT HAPPENS!"
FAITHFUL BELIEVER:
(hugs her, kisses her, rubs her belly) I KNEW IT! I ALWAYS KNEW IT! (laughs) God doesn't lie! If He says something, you can believe it! I KNEW IT!
IMA BELIEVER:
(pats him lovingly) Yes dear, you're a real KNOWITALL. (looks at doctor) You can close your mouth now, doctor. Whoops, looks like you might have just caught a fly!
DOC:
(snaps mouth closed audibly, then swallows as if maybe a fly really is going down) But this can't be possible. I just SAW you not more than 10 minutes ago! And you weren't pregnant! (stoops and listens to her belly with stethoscope) My goodness! A heartbeat! You're pregnant!
IMA BELIEVER:
God created the world, the universe. You, me, Faithful -- everyone! What's so shocking about this? It's our baby! All in God's perfect timing!
DOC:
Yeah, but you look like you're (makes a face) SIX MONTHS PREGNANT!
IMA BELIEVER:
Hey, if God can make the sun stand still in the sky, what's so impossible about this? Aren't ALL pregnancies miracles? This is just our own personal miracle.
DOC:
(shrugging helplessly) This isn't scientific at all. But I see that it's true. (looks up to heaven) Okay, you're getting through here, I admit it! (smiles at the Believers) Okay, okay. You got me. (turns to audience) Okay, okay: "I'M . . .A . . .BELIEVER!"
IMA BELIEVER:
No, Doctor. (taps chest, smiling hugely, nodding slowly up and down) IMA BELIEVER!
(they exit, laughing)
