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Monday, March 30, 2009 at 11:42AM
Country Wisdom
- Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight and bull strong
- Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
- Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
- Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
- Mortgaging a future crop is saddling a wobbly colt.
- A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
- Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.
- Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.
- Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
- Meanness don't happen overnight.
- To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.
- Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.
- Teachers, bankers, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
- Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
- Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
- Two can live as cheap as one, if one don't eat.
- Don't corner something meaner than you.
- You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.
- Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds.
- It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
- Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.
- You can't unsay a cruel thing.
- Every path has some puddles .
- When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
- And don't name a pig, calf or goat you plan to eat.
[ Author Unknown -- from Harveythefrogprince, via 'Buffalos Chips' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com) ]
Monday, March 30, 2009 at 11:38AM
The Parachute Paradigm
You are one of "two" people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?
- Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.
- Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.
- Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
- Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.
- Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
- Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.
- Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
- Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
- Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.
- Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.
- Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.
- Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
- English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
- Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.
- Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
- Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.
- Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
- Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
- Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.
- Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.
- Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.
- Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.
- Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown that jumping out of a plane is NOT harmful to your health.
[ Author Unknown -- from 'Aiken Drum' (AIKENSLongJoke@topica.com) ]
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